Hampster Emergency (Very Long Joke...But Hilarious!!!)

[Giselle]

What's a Hampster?

 

[confusedcannary]

that is funney

 

[Colin]

:lmao: Funny. And yeah, I read all of that. I've only had 5 hours of sleep :sly:

 

[xxlivinaliexx]

Overview: I had to take my son's hampster to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hampsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just laying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad can you help?" I put my best hampster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hampster!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies!" "What,?" my son demanded. "But their names are Burt and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reroduce," I accused my wife."Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually thing she said it sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together.)

"Yeah, Burt and Ernie!", my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know!", she informed me (Again with the sarcasm, Ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wonderous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth!"


"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we gonna do with a litter of tiny little hampster babies?" my wife wanted to know. ( I really do think she was being snotty here to, don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, Okay" Squeamishly I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, Breathe," he urged.

"I don't think hampsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake!)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be ok?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hampster is not in labor.In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen....Ernie is a boy."

"What?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male, and occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um...err...masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood more. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle, and then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that...I'm picturing you pulling on it's....teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the veterinarian and hurridely bundled the hampsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be ok.

"I know Ernie is thankful for what you've done, Dad" he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 Hampsters-10 bucks
1 Cage-20 bucks
Trip to the bet-30 bucks
Pictures of your husband pulling on the hampster's wacker...............PRICELESS!